DEAR MEETING I DO NOT ATTEND,

I feel like using
when I speak of the past
memorializing romanticizing
in a relationship with my history
not a proud member
I needed you once
I use your lingo
I don’t feel the loss of you
I only dabbled, 
never lived in this program    I was 
suppose to sell my soul to it, 
I am judged for not 
my bottom wasn’t as bottomless
listen to what anyone has to say 
about survival
mine I document in journals, 
not in circles
I can’t just talk 
in a circle of people 
as if 
I’m writing a journal entry

DEAR MIRROR,

How do I see something else?
you don’t change
no matter how much I change
I face myself
I am more than
just appearance
do you feel sorry for me:
that I was my best
when I was
too skinny for happiness

I am trying
in my eyes
a welcoming face
which is both good and bad
sometimes pale, sometimes red
he’s supposed to want
to touch  put lips on
my cheek-
when the world isn’t so great
tell me I am not truly broken,
just always somehow breaking
what’s wrong with me

DEAR ALEXIS,
I am not your mother
I was not the one who said
white isn’t flattering
wear shorts if you can pull them off
never wear sleeveless
brown, navy, black tees
your mother’s beautiful—
just
her version  there’s
not one kind of beautiful

you are usually smiling
unless given a reason not to
when you look at me
I am your reason not to
I’m sorry you have not changed
your mind
I am all surface
surface scares you
and nothing else  how terrifying
how absolutely unassuring
I’ve failed at
being something you want to see